Thursday 19 July 2007

Surrendering The Initiative

Hmmm, well...bit of a backward step compared with the previous 2 posts. I've still been adopting the surrender mentality, but it didn't work so well today. I walked into town as I couldn't face the bus, and once there I felt so lost and confused. Surrender is all very well and has many virtues, but it does leave one feeling ever so vulnerable and exposed. ANYONE could have picked me off today, and I would have lain down meekly and accepted it.

I believe I'm "surrendering" for the right reasons. "Surrender" to reality, surrender to feelings and think less. But the trouble is that when I reject my thoughts, they get all nasty and seek to punish me. I try to concentrate on something external, but they pull me back in towards them and pile the pressure on until I surrender, not to reality but to them. So reality wants me to surrender to it, and my thoughts want me to surrender to them. I want to surrender to become a better person, but the net result is that no actual surrendering is ever done, because the different modes of surrender contradict each other.

And it is against this backdrop that I'm seriously considering surrendering my liberty. It's not a conscious thing, just a gradual acceptance that I'm sliding towards residential care without really putting up much of a fight. Because that's what we surrender monkeys do: we don't fight. We kid ourselves it's for the right reasons, and cite notions such as "humility" and "humanity". But surrender is still surrender, and like the French we'll probably feel ashamed about it later.

So tomorrow when I go out, I'm going out in potentialista mode. I figure that if I'm going out, I might as well go out in style. Last time I did that I got seriously scared, and it triggered my current crisis with public transport. But if I'm prepared to surrender my liberty then what the fuck have I got to lose? The things that I valued have already gone.

Right, I'm signing off. Have a good night and enjoy this Wiki definition of a potentialist.


4 comments:

Aimée said...

Hey thanks for joining my neighborhood on blog catalog. I really like your blog. I am going to add a link to my "Online Support Group" on my blog so I can make sure to check back often. Good luck tomorrow, I hope you are able to find peace.

Take Care

Unknown said...

It is good that you are retrospecting after all one gets better with oneself only after they do this.Nurse Triage

Unknown said...

May you have a grand ay to your recovery,my prayers for you everyday.Nurse Triage

Unknown said...

Hi,

I really enjoyed reading through your blog posts on Borderwork.blogspot.com. I got a real sense of your enthusiasm and passion in each post.I write Herfitnessjournal.com - a blog about diet, medicine, a dash of science, and my personal exercise habits. If you’re interested I would love to have you on as a guest blogger. Just shoot me quick a e-mail and we chat about it. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Thanks,
Sonya Anderson