Hoisting The Flag

Jeez, I'm red-flagging myself all over the place tonight. You know what I mean...every action brings a counter-action, every argument a counter-argument. Trying to justify my perspective on all sorts of things, but that nagging doubting voice is still there. And I'm relenting and listening to it, which I'm not sure is a good thing or not. At least I'm receptive, but in my endeavors to become more receptive I'm becoming more defeatist. And I don't like defeat. Losing I can live with, but not defeat. That would be fatal, and fatal isn't good.

Righting The Wrong

One of the more unfortunate consequences of any "borderline" disorder is that it leaves you grasping at straws when it comes to doing the right thing. Your head just isn't in the same place for long enough to develop a sense of righteousness or consistency.

I am blogging for money elsewhere on the net, but don't worry I'm not making any! The truth is that I'm not very good, and so I won't be posting any links here. The reason I'm not very good is quite simple: blogging for money is about doing the right thing, and by that I mean doing the smart thing. Not the clever thing, but the smart thing. And the smart thing means doing it just like everybody else. It's about using all the right keywords in all the right places, and basically copying what works for everyone else. It's all very alpha, and not very border. I can't even copy correctly, for fuck's sake! Give me a piece of tracing paper and I'll give you a work of art! But give me a canvas and I'll give you a work of shit. It's the appropriateness thing that I can never quite get my head around.

And what frustrates me so much is that my friend who got me into this knows exactly how to do it right. It's not any special gift that he possesses, just common sense backed up by knowledge. It's not like he's trying any harder than I am, although he is doubtless more effective and productive. It's simply the case that he knows what works, as do most people within the business, and I don't because I have a disorder that undermines my capacity to make the right choice and do the right thing. The same information and resources are available to me, but I'm just not able to make the most of them. (And in case you think I'm in the wrong job, you should see me when I try to do a real job!). And what scares me is that there are people out there who are truly despised for this trait, much as there are people out there who despise it. They see it as laziness or lack of application, and it isn't. It's just a chronic inability to capitalise. And it's harder when you're working with other people, because you're part of a chain and you're letting the side down.

So what's to be done? Any decision I make will be the wrong one, so help me out here! How do you suddenly start making the right decisions, when the essence of who you are makes you make the wrong ones? How do you reproduce something that works time and again, when your instinct is always to be original and create your own space? And most of all, how do you protect yourself from the slow erosion of the soul that comes from being 100% wrong, 100% of the time? (As I write this now, I'm thinking "maybe they'll forgive me if I question myself enough". But they won't, will they?)

Apologies if this post tailed off a bit at the end. It's been that sort of night.

Facing The Fascista

I need to work on my karma. Which probably isn't a very good admission for a second blog post, but it's true. I have bad karma and it's costing me a life.

Thing is, I've gone round and round in circles trying to improve my karma in the past, and nothing seems to stick. Any "practical" remedy such as yoga I have always had difficulty with, and not just in the sense that it is difficult. My disorder affects my dexterity and co-ordination, and so anything that requires mind-body synchronicity just leaves me at a loss. So I've always tried to improve the mind in ways that bypass the body, but of course that leaves me open to accusations from the body fascista, for whom "mind AND body"= good, and "mind OR body"= axis of evil. (Fascista was a typo but it stays)

So what do I do? I can't win and I know it.

Why is good karma so important? Because nothing good has happened to me in years, that's why. I'm serious: NOTHING! Surely the law of averages / probabilities /sods /Murphy / whatever would dictate that these things even themselves out over time, but no! Nothing good ever happens! So it stands to reason that either I'm putting myself at a disadvantage, or there is something about me that puts me at a disadvantage. Yes I have a disorder, but everybody has a cross to bear and a cliche to back it up. And as I sweat on an email that I know will never come, I sweat even more on the reasons why it won't come. Because good things would happen if it did.

So I'm back to my original question: what can be done to improve my karma? The obvious answer, off the top of my head, is "get a lover", but that isn't really an option. Get a life? I'm trying to, I really am. But it's a bit difficult when you suspect that the rest of the world views you as some sort of cursed seventhborn...

And one final question regarding the body fascista. Is a compromised mind-body relationship really the heinous crime they make it out to be?

Murder? Now that's a crime. Rape? Definitely. Genocide? Of course. But a compromised mind-body relationship, due to forces beyond your control? C'mon guys, gimme a break. If I were physically disabled I wouldn't even need to say this. Some patronising cunt would say it for me anyway.

Avoiding The Intro

I hate intros, don't you?

I've started so many blogs with the best of intentions, only to see the enthusiasm frittered away on a lousy intro. And I hate small talk and initiation, neither of which bodes well for writing a quality intro. So maybe I should just kick into gear straight away, and carry the momentum forward.

I really shouldn't have to explain what Working The Borderline is all about. Those who know just know, and those who don't know are probably better off for not knowing. (And probably aren't reading, so let's not waste our breath on them). I am not a border patrol cop or anything like that, although I have to confess it feels like that sometimes. No, the "borderline" in question is whatever borderline disorder it is that I have. Some have diagnosed it as an autistic disorder, others a schizoid disorder, others a neurological disorder, and so on ad nausea. Personally I couldn't give a toss. I used to give a toss, and that's why I don't anymore. It takes its toll, y'know? A bit like a border patrol cop...

Along the way I also hope to introduce you to one or two of my redeeming features. Admittedly I haven't figured out what they are yet, but I'll let you know when I do!

Anyway, the intention with this is simply to write in the moment about how I'm feeling, as I'm feeling it. Because I suspect it's the lack of addressing my feelings that creates so much fear. I feel ok now, but I'm drinking to quell my nerves, which isn't good and I know it. But if I wasn't drinking to quell my nerves, I wouldn't be writing this because I would be shit scared and channeling all my efforts into fending off the fear. So you tell me...is a vice acceptable for the sake of getting the message out there? Or will a vice always hold a vice-like grip?

See, I told you I was the master of shit intros! But now that the intro's over and done with, it's downhill all the way! Woohoo!