Righting The Wrong

One of the more unfortunate consequences of any "borderline" disorder is that it leaves you grasping at straws when it comes to doing the right thing. Your head just isn't in the same place for long enough to develop a sense of righteousness or consistency.

I am blogging for money elsewhere on the net, but don't worry I'm not making any! The truth is that I'm not very good, and so I won't be posting any links here. The reason I'm not very good is quite simple: blogging for money is about doing the right thing, and by that I mean doing the smart thing. Not the clever thing, but the smart thing. And the smart thing means doing it just like everybody else. It's about using all the right keywords in all the right places, and basically copying what works for everyone else. It's all very alpha, and not very border. I can't even copy correctly, for fuck's sake! Give me a piece of tracing paper and I'll give you a work of art! But give me a canvas and I'll give you a work of shit. It's the appropriateness thing that I can never quite get my head around.

And what frustrates me so much is that my friend who got me into this knows exactly how to do it right. It's not any special gift that he possesses, just common sense backed up by knowledge. It's not like he's trying any harder than I am, although he is doubtless more effective and productive. It's simply the case that he knows what works, as do most people within the business, and I don't because I have a disorder that undermines my capacity to make the right choice and do the right thing. The same information and resources are available to me, but I'm just not able to make the most of them. (And in case you think I'm in the wrong job, you should see me when I try to do a real job!). And what scares me is that there are people out there who are truly despised for this trait, much as there are people out there who despise it. They see it as laziness or lack of application, and it isn't. It's just a chronic inability to capitalise. And it's harder when you're working with other people, because you're part of a chain and you're letting the side down.

So what's to be done? Any decision I make will be the wrong one, so help me out here! How do you suddenly start making the right decisions, when the essence of who you are makes you make the wrong ones? How do you reproduce something that works time and again, when your instinct is always to be original and create your own space? And most of all, how do you protect yourself from the slow erosion of the soul that comes from being 100% wrong, 100% of the time? (As I write this now, I'm thinking "maybe they'll forgive me if I question myself enough". But they won't, will they?)

Apologies if this post tailed off a bit at the end. It's been that sort of night.