Fearing The Worst

It's the anxiety that's crippling me. The depression I can live with, the fragmented mind I can live with, the solitude I can find ways of living with. But not the anxiety. I'm hardly getting things done these days because the anxiety puts me off doing them. I'm FINALLY going to shave my head tonight after weeks of putting it off. I hate doing it, but guess why I don't go to the hairdressers? Because of the anxiety attacks.

Why am I so anxious? I can't figure out a definitive reason, but I guess it's a number of things combined. My dad had problems with his nerves that ultimately drove him to drink, so maybe there's something hereditary there. Also I've been taking anti-epilepsy medication for 17 years, since I was 14. This medication helps me focus and concentrate, but it also makes me feel very intense so that too may be a contributing factor. There are bad experiences in my past that have probably contributed too, but if I dwell too long on them I'll only get more anxious. And as a child I used to tense myself up rigid to try and deal with bad experiences, and I think that probably has long-term repercussions for the nervous system. I seem to recall this occurring to me as a child, but since I was a child I paid little attention to it.

However, no one factor seems to explain why I'm living in a constant state of shock. I've written at length about the problems I'm having here where I live, but the reason I'm having these problems is because I'm sending out fear signals. I've got more phobias than a smart-ass quiz player, and it's getting ridiculous. I know that the right kinds of behavioral therapy helps to "un-learn" learned anxieties, but I know all this already and it doesn't stop me from being anxious. I am more than capable of un-learning something and shutting it out of my mind, but this has little (if any) consequence on the physical sensation of nervousness.

I also know that the real winners and achievers in life have the ability to confront their worst fears and ultimately defeat them. But how do you do this when the anxiety is overwhelming? Last time I tried doing this I got physically sick and had to go home! And I'm really not sure that a confrontational attitude is appropriate for where I'm at in my life right now. The other tenants in the house can sense that I'm nervous, and it's making them nervous. Getting all confrontational would not appease the situation. It may be myself that I'm confronting, but certain people here are not insightful enough to figure that out.

So I'm back at the question I began with: Why am I so anxious and what can I do about it? If anyone knows any good anxiety resources on the net, please let me know.

Catching The Drift

So today I'm on one of those "right, I'm gonna get over myself and STAY over myself" missions. Been here so many times before, but somehow I never seem to make it stick. A lack of discipline? A lack of self-control? There's possibly an element of that, but I think the main reason is that whenever I try to impose restrictions on my mind, I tend to feel worse than when I don't. But since no restrictions is weakening me just as much these days, then it can't really hurt to impose a little discipline. Can it?

Whenever I adopt this type of mental state, a strange thing happens to my writing. I want to write more; however I feel compelled to write less. I want to write more because "get over yourself" seems to be a message worth sharing, especially with those who may be going through similar issues (although you do have to be careful as you run the risk of patronizing people). I think the keyword here is "share"...this frame of mind has messages that are genuinely worth sharing, even if it's just copying and pasting tried and tested words of wisdom. With other frames of mind the urge to write may be stronger; however this may be negated by the fact that what you're saying really only applies to yourself, and the vindication of your own compulsions. And where it gets tricky is that more often than not, the latter is of a higher standard than the former. I'm really big on originality, and if the only messages worth sharing are the ones that have been said a million times before, I honestly find it difficult to say them. If we use torrents as an analogy here, I'm the sort of person who would rather create and share my own torrents, rather than share those that are readily available elsewhere on the network.

What I'm getting at is that with this "get over yourself" frame of mind, writing feels like a part of myself that I need to "get over". The words come easier but the urge isn't there. And in the case of lyrics, the edge isn't there. I have a lyrics blog, but the stuff I've written on there so far is just schoolboy standard. I am aware that compulsion and necessity are things worth getting over, but it's hard to train yourself to be more measured and more middle-aged.

Befriending The Unbefriendable

Hmmm, not been "working the borderline" much of late, as I've had my mind on other things. But there comes a time where we must forget all of the distractions and concentrate on what's really important.

I have a problem: I need to find somewhere new to live; however I'm currently unable to do it on my own as I'm too nervous in front of strangers. What "friends" I had have drifted away over the years, due largely to the fact that I never really connected with any of them. So basically I've got no-one to help me out, and I need someone to help me out. With all other options exhausted, I've been left with no choice but to swallow my pride and apply for a befriending scheme. Don't know if you have befriending schemes in the US but I assume you know what they are, as the concepts of "befriender" and "befriendee" are pretty self-explanatory. Befrienders are people that don't have to do this; befriendees are people that do. It's not exactly one in the eye for the class system, but the erstwhile class warrior in me will have to pipe down and listen to what my nerves are saying. Because my nerves are telling me that if I tried to do this alone, I'd fuck it up. I'd get scared in front of prospective landlords, and give them a reason not to take me as a tenant. So I need someone to hold my hand. Responsible, huh?

Thing is, I'll probably slip through the net the way I always have. I don't have a psychiatrist, social worker or community health worker. I haven't even got a proper diagnosis..."somewhere between aspergers and schizotypal and neurological and depressive" doesn't really count. It'll probably take months to get a befriender assigned to me, and I need to move like NOW! So I'm kinda working on the assumption that the whole thing's gonna fall through anyway, and I'll be left with no choice but to do it on my own. Happy days!

Actually, there's another reason I haven't blogged much recently. I have a handful of regular readers, and occasional traffic from blog directories, and I was getting the feeling that none of you have really warmed to me yet. Sometimes I just need to go away and question what I'm doing wrong, y'know? Not that it'll yield many answers!

Keeping The Cool

The housing situation seems to have eased off recently, so naturally I'm relieved about that. I'm still not 100% convinced about the electrics, but most of the other problems aren't as bad now as they were. Even the new tenants have settled down a bit, although saying that is probably the kiss of death! It's hot and humid here and that tends to bring out the worst in people, so I'm bracing myself for that. Mainly with alcohol!

Actually I need to keep an eye on my drinking. I don't drink excessively, just steadily as I work through the night on computer. But I'm aware of the fact that I'm drinking for my nerves, and I seem all too ready to accept any excuse I can get to have a drink. Usually I drink to deal with tiredness, because my nerves leave me so fatigued these days that I get really scared when tiredness hits. I also become very "retentive" when my nerves are bad, so drinking helps me deal with that. It's not really a problem and I could stop anytime I wanted to, but all the same it's something I need to keep an eye on.

Right now the main thing to deal with is concentration, or lack of. I've installed new software in the past couple of days, but still can't make head nor tail of it because my concentration is so poor. I've started meditating to help me out with this. Not full-on meditation sessions (yet), as at the moment I have neither the time or the inclination to sit still and hum for an hour. No, I mean visual meditations available on youtube and the like. They're really good...they put you in touch with the rhythms of life, which I never really got from "proper" meditation. And I've always been really poor with visuals, so I'm hoping that visual meditation improves that too.

I suspect I wouldn't be having these problems if I wasn't quite so soft in the head! I've spent the past few years developing mental dexterity and flexibility, with the intention of converting that flexibility into a conceptual instrument. But what I didn't fully appreciate was the extent to which that flexibility is generated by "softness", and pre-requires a certain softness in order for it to work. "Hard-headedness", almost be definition, is less flexible in itself, but it could be argued that ultimately it is more flexible if it leaves one better equipped to deal with the daily rigors of life. And if mental "softness" undermines personal responsibility and the ability to keep one's nerve, then it is automatically wrong irrespective of whatever redeeming features it might possess.

Responsibility preaches the virtues of the singular mind. Meditation preaches the virtues of the still mind. I've been preaching the virtues of the moving mind. I'm beginning to accept that maybe I'm wrong. But if only it felt wrong, and if only it felt wrong for me, then I would accept my wrongness once and for all.

Working The Day Job

I've come to the decision that when I am ready to form a band, I will keep it amateur and work with people who have proper day jobs. At the moment I'm listening to a band called Arcana, which is apt because Arcana all have serious day jobs, such as university lecturer and head of marketing. They're professionals yes, but they're not music professionals. I'm sure that Arcana generates a decent income, but principally they're making their money elsewhere. I'm not naive enough to think that they're simply making music for love not money, but if there wasn't an element of that somewhere then they probably wouldn't find the time or the inclination to do it.

This is important to me because I've come to the conclusion that my differences with "professional" musicians are irreconcilible. I watched a documentary at the weekend about the putting together of a Sgt Pepper tribute album, which involved contemporary bands each recording a version of a Sgt Pepper song. I was paying particularly close attention to how professional musicians and producers conduct themselves in the studio, as I don't have that much direct experience of recording studios (apart from a music course I did a few years ago). What I found was that the ways in which they communicated are radically different from how I want to communicate with musicians I am working with. There are no specific examples that I can give; just a general sense that the lines of communication are experience- and industry-specific. Producers in particular speak and make in-jokes in cynical and weather-beaten tones that simply have no place in what I want to do. As their job title specifies, producers have made a clear and decisive choice in favor of productivity over potential, and will defend that choice with everything they have.

I know that this is the reality of the music industry, but it is a reality that I want to challenge and change. Because as far as I can see, there can be simply no excuse for the lack of an inspiration ethic. Industry-specific cynicism and frames of reference are no acceptable substitute, simply by virtue of the fact that they are divisive...ie, they draw up clear lines of distinction between those who are in the industry and those who are not. There's a similar thing in mental health: service providers vs service users, and in the adult industry too: smut peddlers vs wankers. There can be simply no excuse or justification for divisive forces at the expense of unifying forces. Professionalism may masquerade as an excuse, but it isn't. Yes there are industry-specific experiences that only the professionals have, but there are also universal experiences that we all have, and the latter are more important. And there are too many professionals who, upon becoming professionals, lose all respect for non-professionals who thus become "the market". So many musicians lose touch with the art and experience of listening, and that is unforgivable. Yes they'll listen to other people's music, but they'll listen almost exclusively as musicians and not as listeners.

If I work with musicians, I don't want to exchange knowing looks or weather-beaten in-jokes with them. I want to make them feel like the most creative and inspired musicians in the world. If I use sign and gesture to help me accomplish this, I want to do so in such a way that really makes the musicians feel as though we're doing something special and unique. Even if my technique isn't very good, the intention and the passion will be there, and that is what should count above all else. I want the creation of music to be less like a studio experience, and more like a religious experience. The clue's in the "creation" bit.

So I figure I'd be best off doing this with non-music professionals, as I figure that professionals in other industries might be in need of a decent excuse to put professionalism on the back burner for a while. Of course they will still be professional, but it is not a professionalism that is specific to the music industry, or to "making it" in the music industry. I'm particularly interested in musicians who went into non-musical industries largely because they share the same concerns about "music professionalism" that I have. I'm also interested in affiliated professions such as music teacher or music therapist, as I figure that a music therapist might give me a lot more leeway to experiment and explore than a music professional would. The important thing is to maintain the passion, enthusiasm and most of all the universal-ness of what it is that I'm trying to do. And if amateurism is a means of putting one foot in either camp and looking to build bridges between the two, then maybe that's the way forward.