Fearing The Worst

It's the anxiety that's crippling me. The depression I can live with, the fragmented mind I can live with, the solitude I can find ways of living with. But not the anxiety. I'm hardly getting things done these days because the anxiety puts me off doing them. I'm FINALLY going to shave my head tonight after weeks of putting it off. I hate doing it, but guess why I don't go to the hairdressers? Because of the anxiety attacks.

Why am I so anxious? I can't figure out a definitive reason, but I guess it's a number of things combined. My dad had problems with his nerves that ultimately drove him to drink, so maybe there's something hereditary there. Also I've been taking anti-epilepsy medication for 17 years, since I was 14. This medication helps me focus and concentrate, but it also makes me feel very intense so that too may be a contributing factor. There are bad experiences in my past that have probably contributed too, but if I dwell too long on them I'll only get more anxious. And as a child I used to tense myself up rigid to try and deal with bad experiences, and I think that probably has long-term repercussions for the nervous system. I seem to recall this occurring to me as a child, but since I was a child I paid little attention to it.

However, no one factor seems to explain why I'm living in a constant state of shock. I've written at length about the problems I'm having here where I live, but the reason I'm having these problems is because I'm sending out fear signals. I've got more phobias than a smart-ass quiz player, and it's getting ridiculous. I know that the right kinds of behavioral therapy helps to "un-learn" learned anxieties, but I know all this already and it doesn't stop me from being anxious. I am more than capable of un-learning something and shutting it out of my mind, but this has little (if any) consequence on the physical sensation of nervousness.

I also know that the real winners and achievers in life have the ability to confront their worst fears and ultimately defeat them. But how do you do this when the anxiety is overwhelming? Last time I tried doing this I got physically sick and had to go home! And I'm really not sure that a confrontational attitude is appropriate for where I'm at in my life right now. The other tenants in the house can sense that I'm nervous, and it's making them nervous. Getting all confrontational would not appease the situation. It may be myself that I'm confronting, but certain people here are not insightful enough to figure that out.

So I'm back at the question I began with: Why am I so anxious and what can I do about it? If anyone knows any good anxiety resources on the net, please let me know.