Yesterday I thought I was being sooo clever. And needless to say, I wasn't. I put up a link to a seriously high-quality mental health blog, with on-the-edge writing, sharp politicizing, and a wealth of resources for the reader. But I've had to take the link down again because the author in question has checked out this stinking heap of shit, and it's left me feeling so utterly ashamed of myself and my feeble little efforts.
I feel so sorry for her for having to suffer this and me. She was here for less than 5 seconds, but that's 5 seconds too many. If you had 5 seconds in the life of someone you admired and respected, what would you fill those 5 seconds with? I filled them with shit. This woman has been abused as a kid, and she has to suffer the ineptitude of some ginger-haired spazzy prick who doesn't how to live. IDIOT. (*smashes fist against head*)
How DARE I think I can punch above my weight like that! I've been blogging for 5 minutes and already I think I know it all. Well listen, sonny boy, you know FUCK ALL. These people have READ BOOKS. ARTICLES. JOURNALS. MANIFESTOS. OTHER PEOPLE'S BLOGS. And I think I can get by on a whim and a prayer!
These people have been abused and/or institutionalized, for fuck's sake. Now these are just about the worst possible life experiences that I can think of, but at least they are experiences and as such are worth a hell of a lot more than spazzy ineptitude. Because I don't have a life, I'm paying insufficient respect to the knowledge and experiences accumulated by others in their lives. Now this isn't deliberate, but it's there and I recognise that it's there. And if this woman or one of her quality-blogging, abuse-surviving readers has had to endure reading about my pathetic attempts to deal with a flood in the cellar, then I deserve to die. It is as simple and as straightforward as that. Child abuse = bad. Incompetence = fucking stupid. End of.
It's the same story with more commercially-oriented blogs I do elsewhere. Because I think like such a perennial outsider, I can never quite grasp the kind of "industry insiderism" that these blogs seem to thrive on. And consequently I don't make any money. Clever, huh?
Right, I'm going to crawl into a hole, take lots of books with me, and DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH . I'll come back when I have something to say that's actually worth saying. And I'm sorry for having to take a link down that would be a great resource to my readers, but I'd just beat myself up everytime I see it there.
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"Working The Borderline" refers to something I want to do in music, by working the space between artist and audience. It also refers to my attempts to deal with a borderline personality disorder.
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5 comments:
Don't worry about it. We all make mistakes :)
I know. I'll remember to take my meds when I get up next time :)
Look if you want to share a resource with your readers and the owner of the site doesn't want your site to link to his/her site....just type it in...don't make it a hyperlink..
For example...one of my sites is
me2ultimate.com
just type it like that, no "http://" in the beginning, not highlighting it like you can do with blogger visual editor and making it hyperlink (blue and underlined) to another site.
That was really bad manners of that other site owner.
We ALL live in this world. If someone is mean to someone else it make the world less beautiful. If someone is nice to someone else it makes the world more beautiful.
What planet does that site owner want to live on anyway. If he/she is here then he'she needs to be nice.
If I smile, am kind and considerate with those that I encounter it will make tat other person feel good, uplifted, pleasant and their heightened/pleasant feeling will be reflected as the del with other people in their lives.
Hey I have several sites...two about audio books, one about destinations, one about portugal, one about making money online, one abut belize and two about real estate and one about master cleanse (lemonade diet). The Lemonade Diet gets the most traffic.
If you like any of my sites you are welcomed to link to them if you think they have any useful benefit to you readers or if you just feel like doing a "link exchange" or whatever whatever. I will like to your site now at leaveamerica.info
It must have been really shocking to admire a site as a rich resource and then to be confronted wit such ugly behavior from the sites creator.
Feel better. Turn on some Madonna and dance around. I'm singing, Seems like I'm going to lose my mind. You just keep pushin' my love over the borderline."
Madonna is a pop singer and the song Borderline is maybe 20+ year old. I'm not sure.
All the best,
Nia. :)
Wow Nia, thanks for your comment. I don't think it was bad manners on her part, as she has a lot of reading to do so it's not surprising she can't dwell on everybody's sites. It's just that her blog seems so much more worthwhile than mine.
I think my underlying insecurity is about whether or not I'm actually contributing anything to society, either through my blogs or through anything else. For example, I find it really hard to comment on other people's blogs, because I always end up talking about myself. So I check myself and often decide not to leave a comment at all...figuring that if I can only talk about myself then I'm not really saying anything. Now I have a condition that makes it hard to see beyond myself, but that excuse will only run so far and I know that only too well. So I guess what bothers me is that I'm writing about the shit that's inside my head, whereas she's writing about the real world.
Anyway as I said to janna earlier, I hadn't taken my medication so maybe I should do that before I post! And I haven't heard the Madonna song Borderline, but if its over 20 years old then I might check it out. (Not a fan of her recent stuff). I think she's getting bored here in the UK now. Her husband's success has dried up, so I think she's getting itchy feet...
And thankyou for the smiles. Always helps. I'll have to check out your sites, especially the making money online one (Kinda need some help with that!)
Take care,
Steve :)
That's intense self castigation you got going there! Suffering is relative. There's always someone who has it worse than someone else, and someone who has it worse than them, and on and on. Suffering is suffering, and there are all degrees and forms. You have the right to speak, to be heard, to get support, to feel, and to be yourself. You do not deserve to die because you weren't abused as a child. Neither was I (unless you count the bullies). It doesn't mean that my suffering hasn't been real or that my reality is not valid. The same for you. I hope you get some comfort from this.
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