Dating The Asylum

I've come to the conclusion that even mentally ill people are scared of me! No really they are, especially the girls. I've been looking at dating sites that are aimed at people with mental health issues. I'm not seriously looking to date anyone as I'm in far too much of a state, but a bit of harmless flirtation would be nice. But the girls on these sites all have "hormonal" (sorry can't think of a better word) disorders like bipolar depression, anorexia and SAD. They're terribly fragile creatures who are terribly easy to offend, and I really don't want to go putting my size 13's anywhere near them. "Thought disorders" just isn't something that they understand, and in all honesty it probably scares the living shit out of them. So what do I put on my sign-up form when it asks for my diagnosis? "Various"?

"Schizotypal personality disorder". That's the one I was diagnosed with. Yes I have traces of aspergers and traces of depression and traces of every other self-diagnosis I've made, but the fact remains that I was diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder. I've long sought to convince myself that I'm borderline, hence the title of this blog, as the concept of borderline is more flexible and thus more "instrument-like" (which ties in with the thing that I want to do in music). But in reality I'm probably about as borderline as (*mass of land that's nowhere near a border...the Midwest? Siberia?*), and I daresay I'm not kidding the borderline peeps one little bit. Try as I might, I cannot get away from the fact that I was diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder. By leading specialists, no less. For those who don't know, schizotypal personality disorder is characterized by (*checks wikipedia to make sure he's got his facts right*) social isolation, odd behavior and thinking, and unconventional beliefs such as being convincced of having extra-sensory abilties. Yup, sounds about right. Although I should qualify the last one by saying that I believe in the power of good communication, and see nothing "extra-sensory" aboout this. What I want to do in music is not extra-sensory; it is about harnessing the power of the senses we already have. But I'm well aware that I may just be trying to explain my way out of a very tight corner. If the experts say it's extra-sensory then who am I to argue?

Anyway, as if to prove the point I'm digressing. The point is that most girls, even most mentally-ill girls, do not or do not want to understand what are generally known as "thought disorders". Schizotypal is not schizophrenia, as most of the stuff that is "cut loose" in schizophrenia is somehow held together in schizotypal (see previous posts for theories as to what might be going on in my own case). But schiz is schiz, and schiz is scary. To vain psuedo-depressive girls it's scary, and to fully-grown and reality-adjusted women it's probably scarier still. They're like "ugh!!", and I should be like "yeah, whatever". But I'm not, because it bothers me. I want women to like me, and it troubles me that they don't. I think they think that "thought disorder" implies a lack of control over one's own mind, which can spill over into a lack of control over one's behavior. But my answer to that is the same answer I gave to the extra-sensory accusation. Good communication. Good communication really is an answer to everything. I know this because right now I do not have good communication in my life, and I know what it is that I'm missing.

So if I do join a dating site, I will do it on the proviso that I'm doing it for a laugh. And I shall lie through my teeth, because that's what the so-crazy-I'm-normal brigade are wont to do. Somebody once said that honesty is the most over-rated virtue of all, and when I've read through this post I'll be inclined to agree with them.