Closing The Deal

I got a sale today...yippee! My first sale in 2 months! (I do affiliate-related stuff in some dark murky corner of the blogosphere, none of which I will bore you with here). I'm actually quite relieved because I was convinced that my stats and accounts had been hacked into by a rogue blogger who fucked my firefox up. And I'm not going to believe it until I actually hold the check in my hand, which is some way off yet due to international check-clearing charges.

But it does feel good to get a sale. I hate to admit it, but it makes me feel like a man. Delivering the goods, end product, and other macho crap that we potentialistas are so loathe to embrace. Except that it isn't macho crap though, is it? It's survival; it's doing what a man needs to do to put food on the table. Of course a woman can be a producer too, but the man who relies on meeting a productive woman really isn't much of a man.

And this is the problem with the potentialista in me, and the idea I describe in my blog description. The idea in itself can work, I am convinced of that; but it is too dependent on external forces, finding the right context, and getting the wind to blow the right way. Things have started to turn in my favour recently, and the reason they have turned is because I have turned. Away from the potential and into the productive. I have been stuck in potential mode for the last 5 years, and I cannot remember a single occasion when I felt as though things were turning in my favour. And if that isn't telling me something, then I probably don't deserve to learn my lessons anyway.

But still the niggling force in me remains. The force that is telling me not to remove the blog description, in case some passing muso or artist thinks "I've been looking for something like that all my life!" The force that hopes and believes, rather than the force that knows and understands. And as I write these words now, I'm wondering whether every single word I write will undo all the good work I've done recently.

Maybe the sales will close the deal for me; the accumulation process gradually eroding the acceleration process. I even found myself describing the joys of statistics last night, so maybe I've closed it already! And as I look deep into my stats, I'm seeing zeros and ones. Ticks and crosses, yays and nays, warm handshakes all round. So good to be back.