Summoning The Muse

Ok so today I'm allowing myself to slip into the bad old ways. Deliberately and knowingly, but probably not irredeemably. The bad old ways being? Not drug addiction or crime or anything like that, but mind artistry. (*Hang on, that's drug addiction AND crime!*)

I'm not going to explain the concept to you, as my endless attempts at explanation on Myspace have always ended in frustration and despair. Too long, too convoluted, and ultimately too obscure. It relates to something I want to do in music, by harnessing the movements of mental dexterity to enhance the relationship between artist and audience. It's basically intelligence as an instrument, in a nutshell. But unfortunately most artists view the "between artist and audience" thing as a threat, along the lines of "no-one shall come between an artist and their audience". And they think that it's fucked in the head, which to be honest it probably is. So now I've removed all reference to it from my Myspace profile, apart from a few token keywords in the General section.

I've officially "given up" twice...first when I hit 30 last year, and secondly when I got ill again recently. But still I do it, and still I go back to it. Every single fucking time. Why? Because I believe in it, that's why. I believe I have something here that has the power to communicate over vast distances (ie, between the different facets of a fragmented mind), and that has the power to make a profound difference to wasted and disenfranchised lives. The evangelical language worries me, but that's not going to stop me from believing. And when I believe in it, I feel powerful and strong, and in possession of the capacity to cause change. If I was a woman it would make me feel like an all-conquering Amazonian warrior. And that's gotta be a good thing, right?

Not if you're mental it isn't. If you're mental, the thing that you believe in is wrong. Without question. Even if it's right, it's still wrong. It's wrong because the mind of a mentally ill person does not quite tally with reality, and hence the belief or belief system is off-target. It might not miss by much, but it misses and there endeth. It automatically becomes a delusion, even if it has possible implications and applications that go beyond delusion. It's something that we mentals could never quite get our heads around when we were younger and first referred to specialists. But by the age of 30, the reality should be all too obvious. And if it isn't, well that merely confirms the fact that you're mental.

Yet still I go back to it. Still I believe that there's an artist or musician out there who my mind techniques may be of some use to, and who can see as I can see a way in which it could catapult them onto a higher level creatively. But I'm waiting on a miracle, and even the evangelist in me is prepared to accept that miracles don't happen. But I cannot even begin to tell you how frustrating it is to see something so powerful and precious reduced to the level of mindless self-indulgence; a mere tonic to get me through another mindless and pointless day.