My New Year resolutions always take the form of fears that need to be overcome. This year it's simple 1) overcome my fear of people, 2) overcome my intense claustrophobia, and 3) overcome myself to make music.
It seems that to do all of the above, I first need to redeem myself in the eyes of humanity, as in the eyes of many, solitude and misanthropy is practically a crime. To do this I need to be chastened and humble, which isn't something that comes naturally to me, but isn't something that's beyond me either. What I do struggle with is maintaining it over an extended period of time, and this is crucial in being accepted by "adult" humanity" that works on the basis of conditionals. If anything goes wrong and you revert to "the bad old ways", you're out. That's the rules of the game as I understand them, and there has to come a point at which I cease to question that and kid myself that I can do better. I don't like conditionals, but they're not going to go away. I know I can do it, but can I make it stick?
Happy New Year to one and all.
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"Working The Borderline" refers to something I want to do in music, by working the space between artist and audience. It also refers to my attempts to deal with a borderline personality disorder.
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8 comments:
Happy new year.
I think you can realise your resolutions. I wish you all the best and hope you can overcome those things. There ARE conditionals, in this world, unfortunately, but I believe you have it in you to overcome those too.
Over Christmas I have really struggled with maintaining what I think you mean by conditionals. I have been having a lot of mood fluctuation lately which makes it difficult to maintain a constant social persona. I think you are being too hard on yourself. I have developed limits as to what I can accomplish socially. For example I have only one good friend who I see on a regular basis. I have tried having a larger social network but I always end up letting people down because I can't take the pressure of maintaining the relationships. I have accepted that I can not cope with a large social circle. Remember you have an illness. Your are not a bad person and any family members or friends who can not understand the up and down nature of this disorder don't deserve your friendship. After all many people with chronic medical illness have periods where they are not able to "perform" socially. Maybe setting your comfort zone and gradually trying to do more is a way in which you could overcome the conditions you feel are pressuring you. I also make it very clear to my family (what's left of it) what I can cope with or not cope with at any given time. Sorry to go on and on. I'm sure you can meet the "conditionals " in life but you can also set some of your own conditions for yourself and others. It takes a lot of courage to face BPD and set goals. I admire you for being brave enough to set New Years Resolutions. I'm sure you can meet your goals. Best wishes in the New Year.
Hey thankyou for such a long and insightful comment. Sorry I've not been able to respond sooner, I've been a bit snowed under of late and haven't really wanted to think about "borderline" stuff too much. I can relate to so much of what you say about friends and maintaining relationships. The only relationships I've ever been able to maintain are those I can take for granted, which isn't good really, is it? I try to kid myself that I choose not to form friendships with those who attach conditionals and expectations, but in reality I'm not kidding anyone.
Thank you PB for your comment also. Yes I believe I can overcome them too.
Goodluck... I know what its like... =(
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Hi...
Best of luck dude i hope you get it.
Thanks for effort
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