Keeping The Cool

The housing situation seems to have eased off recently, so naturally I'm relieved about that. I'm still not 100% convinced about the electrics, but most of the other problems aren't as bad now as they were. Even the new tenants have settled down a bit, although saying that is probably the kiss of death! It's hot and humid here and that tends to bring out the worst in people, so I'm bracing myself for that. Mainly with alcohol!

Actually I need to keep an eye on my drinking. I don't drink excessively, just steadily as I work through the night on computer. But I'm aware of the fact that I'm drinking for my nerves, and I seem all too ready to accept any excuse I can get to have a drink. Usually I drink to deal with tiredness, because my nerves leave me so fatigued these days that I get really scared when tiredness hits. I also become very "retentive" when my nerves are bad, so drinking helps me deal with that. It's not really a problem and I could stop anytime I wanted to, but all the same it's something I need to keep an eye on.

Right now the main thing to deal with is concentration, or lack of. I've installed new software in the past couple of days, but still can't make head nor tail of it because my concentration is so poor. I've started meditating to help me out with this. Not full-on meditation sessions (yet), as at the moment I have neither the time or the inclination to sit still and hum for an hour. No, I mean visual meditations available on youtube and the like. They're really good...they put you in touch with the rhythms of life, which I never really got from "proper" meditation. And I've always been really poor with visuals, so I'm hoping that visual meditation improves that too.

I suspect I wouldn't be having these problems if I wasn't quite so soft in the head! I've spent the past few years developing mental dexterity and flexibility, with the intention of converting that flexibility into a conceptual instrument. But what I didn't fully appreciate was the extent to which that flexibility is generated by "softness", and pre-requires a certain softness in order for it to work. "Hard-headedness", almost be definition, is less flexible in itself, but it could be argued that ultimately it is more flexible if it leaves one better equipped to deal with the daily rigors of life. And if mental "softness" undermines personal responsibility and the ability to keep one's nerve, then it is automatically wrong irrespective of whatever redeeming features it might possess.

Responsibility preaches the virtues of the singular mind. Meditation preaches the virtues of the still mind. I've been preaching the virtues of the moving mind. I'm beginning to accept that maybe I'm wrong. But if only it felt wrong, and if only it felt wrong for me, then I would accept my wrongness once and for all.

Plugging The Leak

Woohoo, I did it...I plugged a leak! It was only a minor leak compared with last week's escapade, but it was a leak all the same. I stayed calm in a crisis, which was the key. There was a point at which I could have lost my head, but if I lost my head then I would have never figured out what to do. I tried to stay composed, and it was noticeable how useful thoughts popped into my head that would have otherwise been blocked out. The leak isn't exactly fixed, but it's contained...which means I don't have to stay up all night emptying buckets and wringing cloths. So although it's hardly a major triumph, I am quite pleased with my efforts.

(*goes to check leak to make sure he hasn't typed too soon*)

Nope, it's ok. It's re-inforced one thing though: I have to get out of here. The place is a death-trap...it's one disaster after another, and I'm convinced that something really bad is gonna happen if I stay. I've slackened off this past week...I decided about halfway through the week that I was just going to enjoy the week, and not worry about it too much. But that isn't really an option, and tonight has reminded me of that. There's so much to organize. I need to organize help, because right now I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. I've developed an insane fear of transportation, so I need to overcome that and fast. And most importantly, I need to find a way of paying my own rent, as I wouldn't last 5 minutes on a housing estate. (Don't know if you have housing estates in America, but they're basically where all the lowlife tenants are). I'm not well enough to get a proper job, but I need to find a way of generating a steady enough income to pay my own way. I'm doing all I can to generate an income through blogging, but I'm really not convinced that there's any money in blogging. I mean, does anyone actually click Google ads when there might be more informative stuff on the page you're currently viewing?

Anyway, enough worry for tonight. I contained a leak, which is more than I could do a couple hours ago.

Living The Life

Now I have something of a confession to make, and it's a confession that may cost me some readers. My confession is simply that I don't know how to live. Really. Not at all. Now I have a disorder that undermines my perception of reality, which in turn undermines my capacity to live, but that's no excuse and I know it. I figure it may cost me some readers because so many blogs and bloggers are actively promoting the aesthetics and ethics of living well. In other words, somebody who doesn't know how to live is a threat and/or an irrelevance.

To give an example, I was thinking of starting an erotic blog, but I've since discovered that most erotic blogs are basically recipes for life. Food stuff, but about sex instead of food, or sex as food. They may on the surface be about sex, but what they're really promoting is a lifestyle and the vindication of that lifestyle. Lifestyler writes blog, other lifestylers read and comment on blog; lifestyle re-affirmed and vindicated. So that kinda scared me off a bit...because my sex stuff isn't food stuff, it's just sex stuff. It isn't meant to be tasteful, and it isn't meant to register a tick against my name.

So what do I mean when I say that I don't know how to live? Well it's quite simple really...I'm on my own for long periods of time, and I can't figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do. I always end up resorting to what I need...I need to eat, I need to write, I need to think etc. But I need to breathe too, and I need to experience the kind of life-enhancing things that the Great Accumulators experience every day. Of course when I'm with someone it all becomes much clearer, and I remember that I need not to need too. But that's just feeding off the other person, and I know that professional lifestylers have serious issues with that. But professional lifestylers have serious issues with just about everything I represent, so maybe I should just ignore them. They won't go away, but they might become less prominent in my head.

Ach, stop thinking and just live, FFS!!

Manning The Station

A good day today. Held my nerve and composure when things could've gone seriously awry. It's not good when you're unstable and you know you're unstable, but it feels so damn good to stay on top of it. It's reaffirming; gives you a feeling of power over yourself, which is a precious thing when it happens all too infrequently.

I really can't articulate this any better right now. I could if I wanted to, but I don't want to think. And I am currently reading some beautiful mental health blogs which make my feeble efforts look rather less than beautiful. If I were to think right now, I would think about why beauty is such an alien concept to me.

"Because you're thinking", is probably the answer to that one. I think, therefore I don't feel. Cogito ergo something-or-other.

Oh and somebody remind me to read more. These people read books and it makes them better people than I am. Fact. And fiction.

Come on now, don't spoil a good day...

Testing The Resolve

Oooo I'm being tested tonight! I was doing so well, and acheived and maintained a level of stability over the past 2 weeks that I've hitherto been unaccustomed to. But tonight I let it all seep through, and boy am I paying the price!

Trouble is, whenever I've faced a crisis, it was always what I took refuge in. ("It" has a name, but it's becoming a name that dare not speak it's name) But now, with that refuge having been exposed by reality, I am left floundering and disoriented. I'm sure it's why I suffer so much with claustrophobia, because I always had it as an "escape", and that escape is no more. I have to face the fact that, ultimately, there is no escape.

It's not like there's a major crisis tonight, but it's enough of a crisis to make me want to escape. There's a new guy moved in downstairs and he's brought his girlfriend with him, and I can sense the possibility for trouble. I met him for the first time the other night, while he was in the process of hiding his weed because he thought I looked like a snitch. (If that was the first impression i gave him then I've failed the test already). Apparently he's an ex-criminal, been inside but going straight. But it's his girlfriend that worries me. She's a rabid racist based on bad experiences she's had with black guys in some of the less salubrious parts of town. I'm not black, but I'm worried anyway because clearly she has serious issues, and I just KNOW she's gonna take one look at me and freak out. She'll think I'm a creep, because women like that always do. And I'm scared. I'm scared of scaring women, I'm scared of being beaten up, and I'm scared of losing my home for something that isn't my fault. But most importantly, I'm scared of the effect it will have on my state of mind. Because, remember, the thing that I would always take refuge in is not an option anymore. It is not the promised land I always thought it was. It is a delusion and a symptom of a personality disorder, and I know that now.

So I'm trying to gather myself, regain my composure, and go through all the little rituals that have kept me stable for the past couple of weeks. I was going to say "wish me luck", but it is not a question of luck. It is a question simply of doing what needs to be done. And now that I know what needs to be done, I really can't say that I have any excuses.

Raising The Dead

I've taken to writing blog posts as soon as I wake up. Trouble is, I've woken up at 6:30pm! The clocks went forward last night here in the UK, but that's not really the point.

No matter what I do to amend my sleeping habits, I always go back to working nights and sleeping days. Why? I don't exactly know. I feel as though I work more effectively at night, but I suspect that this isn't really the case. And while I'm used to quietness and solitude, that doesn't necessarily make it a good thing. Does it?

I've tried numerous times to sort my sleeping habits out, but somehow it never quite sticks. But it will have to start sticking soon, because I have things to get up for and debts to address.