Befriending The Unbefriendable

Hmmm, not been "working the borderline" much of late, as I've had my mind on other things. But there comes a time where we must forget all of the distractions and concentrate on what's really important.

I have a problem: I need to find somewhere new to live; however I'm currently unable to do it on my own as I'm too nervous in front of strangers. What "friends" I had have drifted away over the years, due largely to the fact that I never really connected with any of them. So basically I've got no-one to help me out, and I need someone to help me out. With all other options exhausted, I've been left with no choice but to swallow my pride and apply for a befriending scheme. Don't know if you have befriending schemes in the US but I assume you know what they are, as the concepts of "befriender" and "befriendee" are pretty self-explanatory. Befrienders are people that don't have to do this; befriendees are people that do. It's not exactly one in the eye for the class system, but the erstwhile class warrior in me will have to pipe down and listen to what my nerves are saying. Because my nerves are telling me that if I tried to do this alone, I'd fuck it up. I'd get scared in front of prospective landlords, and give them a reason not to take me as a tenant. So I need someone to hold my hand. Responsible, huh?

Thing is, I'll probably slip through the net the way I always have. I don't have a psychiatrist, social worker or community health worker. I haven't even got a proper diagnosis..."somewhere between aspergers and schizotypal and neurological and depressive" doesn't really count. It'll probably take months to get a befriender assigned to me, and I need to move like NOW! So I'm kinda working on the assumption that the whole thing's gonna fall through anyway, and I'll be left with no choice but to do it on my own. Happy days!

Actually, there's another reason I haven't blogged much recently. I have a handful of regular readers, and occasional traffic from blog directories, and I was getting the feeling that none of you have really warmed to me yet. Sometimes I just need to go away and question what I'm doing wrong, y'know? Not that it'll yield many answers!

Facing The Fascista

I need to work on my karma. Which probably isn't a very good admission for a second blog post, but it's true. I have bad karma and it's costing me a life.

Thing is, I've gone round and round in circles trying to improve my karma in the past, and nothing seems to stick. Any "practical" remedy such as yoga I have always had difficulty with, and not just in the sense that it is difficult. My disorder affects my dexterity and co-ordination, and so anything that requires mind-body synchronicity just leaves me at a loss. So I've always tried to improve the mind in ways that bypass the body, but of course that leaves me open to accusations from the body fascista, for whom "mind AND body"= good, and "mind OR body"= axis of evil. (Fascista was a typo but it stays)

So what do I do? I can't win and I know it.

Why is good karma so important? Because nothing good has happened to me in years, that's why. I'm serious: NOTHING! Surely the law of averages / probabilities /sods /Murphy / whatever would dictate that these things even themselves out over time, but no! Nothing good ever happens! So it stands to reason that either I'm putting myself at a disadvantage, or there is something about me that puts me at a disadvantage. Yes I have a disorder, but everybody has a cross to bear and a cliche to back it up. And as I sweat on an email that I know will never come, I sweat even more on the reasons why it won't come. Because good things would happen if it did.

So I'm back to my original question: what can be done to improve my karma? The obvious answer, off the top of my head, is "get a lover", but that isn't really an option. Get a life? I'm trying to, I really am. But it's a bit difficult when you suspect that the rest of the world views you as some sort of cursed seventhborn...

And one final question regarding the body fascista. Is a compromised mind-body relationship really the heinous crime they make it out to be?

Murder? Now that's a crime. Rape? Definitely. Genocide? Of course. But a compromised mind-body relationship, due to forces beyond your control? C'mon guys, gimme a break. If I were physically disabled I wouldn't even need to say this. Some patronising cunt would say it for me anyway.